Desperate to Find Answers
Deafening sounds take me to remember when I was two years old. It was a time of ceasing happiness to invert mass hard havoc on my tender, caring, healing Moms. Beautiful, marvelous Moms take me to healing my amending chaos. Happiness breaks through like the sun needs to mourn the days end. Now, gallant happiness brings Moms care to help get amending answers to why I am not talking.
First, the calmness begins to inspire my healing my soul. Tender moments of gentle determination to talk are yearning to make more hard struggles become greater. Can anyone hear my remarkable sounds? I say with desperation and worries. Mainly, having no sounds or words projecting meaningfully from my sensitive mouth has tormented my two year old weary little body. Why can’t I create gallant meaningful sounds instead of dire muteness?
“Why isn’t Baxter talking yet?” Mommy desperately asked my pediatrician at my two year well-check exam. Now, I was between my pediatrician and Mommy making stimulatory hard opening and closing cabinet doors. The havoc of hearing hard noises, details in every conversation come racing to me bearing mass chaos. Consequently, I can’t stop my stims of opening cabinets.
Now, my pediatrician was finishing notes and casually stated but with concern in her eyes, “He is a boy and sometimes they are delayed. He needs to be evaluated by a speech therapist in three months if his speech does not develop.”
Later, Mama and Mommy meaningfully discuss my pediatrician’s advice but they have gallant hope that I will talk. Then, we make our way back to our car hearing the happiness of other talking inspiring families. I dream about the day having gentle, amazing speech but I always wake up either from my day dreams or my night dreams being thrown back into vicious muteness.
Another hard, trying day tends to have big tantrums to incite yearning to speak. Teach me to speak! I screamed in my mind as I made my way to full explosive, mean tantrums. Mommy made needed magic to help me by caring to appear hard hoping that I would be learning to control my tantrums. Mass meltdowns erupted often. Happiness has healing and my Moms heavenly souls take me to a happy heart. How am I supposed to amend language when my lips won’t move? What is the secret? Lapse in my tender synapses in my brain leave me in mapping my own way through tantrums. Having to be silent tends to create agony hearing everyone talk around me. I’m right here! I bellow in my mind. God does not hear my cries.
Mainly, deep learning makes me happy but I can’t show my marvelous knowledge. Therefore, believing in capabilities heals me and creates meaning in my weary needed havoc to understand meaning in myself. I try to play with great toys but all I can do is make continuous lines with them. By lining toys up, they seem to call me tenderly and help me map my harrowing chaos so I could feel calm. And then, I started to see auras generate around tender Mommy. What is happening to Mommy? God is that you?
Three months go by battling my hard sensory overload. Bang! Screech! Havoc in my hearing every minute sound. How can everyone be calm hearing all these sounds? I believe I hear more than others because no one is flinching at the hard, meaningless, maverick noise. Please stop! I say in my mind. Terrified I feel then I escape to be all alone in my chaos. I would hear many sounds inside our home that caused me to escape through the front door.
“Where is Baxter?” Mommy stated softly to herself. She darted to the front of our home calling me as I was walking out the front door. Then, she quickly scooped me up holding me close and healing my tender chaos. I did not want her to put me down. Centered I felt when I was held believing I could have more moments of calmness. She was terrified making stern, hard hugs telling me, “You stay safe inside with me.”
At last, the day came to see the speech therapist. It was a beautiful, cool fall day. I was excited to hear her opinion and to have answers to my lack of speech and chaos. We arrived early to my speech appointment and Mommy was being strong dealing with my stims of opening and closing doors. I was very strong and happy to get lost in my stims. Mommy tried very hard to stop me every time. Gallantly, Mommy would hover over me so I would not hurt myself.
“Baxter,” the Speech Therapist called. Mommy very cautiously headed with me in her arms to hopefully find better answers. We headed down the long hallway seeing more children having motor therapy and having speech therapy. Can this help my disconnection? I hoped in the back of my mind. What’s wrong with my sensory havoc and my body, mind disconnect? I am questioning in my head. Then the Speech Therapist brought us to our room and havoc hit me hard. I had haywire word chaos interrupting my evaluation making hastily connections. Am I moving here because I know the answers but I can’t move my inspiring, meaningful, chaotic body? I yell overtly in my mind! I failed miserably on my evaluation deepening wounds to my soul. Mommy cried instantly seeing the results and the Speech Therapist gave her opinion that I was severely cognitive delayed, had a sensory processing disorder, and motor skills severely delayed too. Thus, she stated that I probably have autism and I need to see a neurologist for confirmation.
“What can we do to help him make gains?” Mommy asked with marvelous healing strength.
“He needs speech therapy now and occupational therapy to help his motor skills,” the Speech Therapist stated.
“Okay, I will make the appointment for the neurologist and start speech therapy,” Mommy tenderly stated and we were off to the next healing part of my chaos journey.
Later, we arrived home to tell Mama the terrible news. Mama was strong and calm believing in positive teachings to inspire all of us. Having Mommy inspired to research tirelessly made determination for me to heal and overcome. I did not understand the meaning of autism and felt so alone. Remarkable Mommy braved through the countless hours, days, and months of research to find every possible answer to help my autism.
Finally, I saw the writing on the wall and I made courage to believe healing sees my harrowing muteness to make more maverick meaning in my life. To inspire me I called to God and asked in my mind - Will I amend to be typical? How can I make language if my great mind collapses in transmission to my maverick vocal chords? Why am I seeing auras around my Moms and other people? Can you help me to understand? I sat in my blue, comfy, tender chair feeling gloom and deep sadness as I waited patiently to see a sign believing autism will cease.
